rant
there’s just so much in here right now in my head it’s like radio static but with a never ending stream of words and feelings and thoughts and emotions hate anger at me at the world fear regret indecision at my past and my future frustration doubt in the present I want to but can’t get rid of it any of it they are all just crammed in the space in my head that feels more and more limited and it’s as if I am running out of time time to do something to act to do right for once and not waste it on trivialities and boredom and fun like I don’t deserve fun like I should punish myself for having too much of it in the past and thinking that everything will be okay without me putting in the effort that is needed I see everyone else the world outside of myself and everything seem to be getting along better than me even the flipping trees and the squirrels know what they need to do and how they should do it where has my instinct gone where is it now when I am of need of it the most to override my useless and destructive tendencies to mitigate the disaster I can’t help but see in my future it’s all going to go wrong go wrong in every way possible and the more hopeful I am the more I try to be positive the farther I have to fall back into reality and what do I do then do I have a choice of what I can do or have I finally ran out of choices at twenty one years of age I’ve used up all my get out of jail free cards and sometimes I wonder why I do things to purposefully avoid thinking about the unknown death is the unknown but I’m not worried or scared that I might die tomorrow I guess it is because I have no control over that unknown no say in how or when that might happen but this unknown this not knowing this is created decided molded by me through action for which I must take responsibility of but pretend like I don’t and aside from that why do I want what my heart wants why don’t I know what that is how does it make any sense that one moment I can be decided on one thing and the next cast all my convictions out the window I want him I don’t want him I miss him I don’t miss him does he even matter in the grant scheme of things will I even remember him and the time we spent together in five ten fifteen years but what if he was more than just another what if he was more than one in a million what if he’s it like my options that’s it done the end he is the best that it’s ever gonna get and I decided that I’m too good for that and I throw another option out the window since I have so many to spare and then and then my mind hits rewind and I start thinking about all this again and again and again in an agonizing loop with all these problems and worries but no way out no solutions no enlightenment no decisions
and underneath it all, underneath everything, there’s this heart, my heart, that is totally and utterly alone
